Why do so many people feel that way sometimes, even christians? Believing for the sake of believe, and what more, they do realize that themselves, but remain trapped in that rut, unable to lift themselves out of it, either out of fear, doubt or just indifference. But who I am to criticize, for over a year ago, I too felt that same way. Like a lukewarm glass of water, warmed on Sundays, but rapidly cooled by the winds of doubt (Okay, bad analogy haha). (But it has been a long journey since, but nevertheless, entirely worth it ^^)
But what troubles me now, is how, as christians, can we reach out to these brothers and sisters? That used to be one of the things that kept me from evangelizing, and even now, now and then even I am unable to answer some of the questions non-christians and christians alike have posed to me.
Still yet I wonder, what do we mean when we say, "I'm not that committed."? Is christianity a commitment? Somehow, I just can't help but feel that by considering it so, it portrays christianity like some sort of political cause, one that is pursued for some benefit or gain, or a deadweight that ties one down. Is it wrong to seek God because we don't want to end up in hell?
Yet, at any one time, has man ever searched for God with truly pure and good motives? We are still only human after all, but in the end, I believe that in our search for God, when we truly begin to know and understand Him, and let Him work in our lives, all these doubts and fears will just melt away once we focus on Him alone, and then salvation and heaven won't be a 'perk', but rather a source of hope, the one and only thing we live for, to come to this dwelling place with our Father for eternity, where there will be no more strivings, no more pain, no more tears.
Still, why is it so hard to hear God's voice? The everyday things of life, schoolwork, exams, friendships, the little annoyances, seem to fill up our lives already, and there seems to be no space for God, or even any need for Him. Then there are those moments, in church or in prayer, where we suddenly just feel His presence. But then the moment is gone, real life sets back in again, and we become reminded how hard it is to seek God, to focus on Him when there's so much going on in life already, and He seem so faraway and elusive, too 'high up' for this world. Or even, looking at the lives of OT prophets and the NT apostles, how absurd and irrational being a so-called 'strong' christian would be in society today.
But what are we looking for exactly? Does being a christian mean searching for something much higher up, becoming some uber-holy, supernatural being, denying all the things in life? Religious ascetics advocating such a lifestyle of abstaining and purging. Is this for all christians as well?
I struggled with this at first too, wondering what it meant to take up the cross, struggling to find a balance, wondering why Christianity had to be so hard, why this so-called God's love seemed so hard to live with. But now looking back, I think many of us are looking for God in the wrong places, even in christianity itself, or have misconceptions about it. God isn't some beyond this world, faraway authority that condemns us to death just because we don't believe in Him. Through history, through the ages, He's been reaching out to us, calling us back to His side. Why didn't he then save the trouble, and just make us wired to worship Him? But as one of my brothers in the ministry once shared with me, the ultimate sign of God's greatest love for us is our freedom of choice. And there's no denying that hell exists. As abstract and conceptual as it sounds, there is only good and bad in this world, there is no middle ground. But back to the point, let's stop looking for God in 'high-up' lofty practices, but let's realize that the first place we can look, is within ourselves, because the Holy Spirit resides in us. He is already living in us, the minute we believe that and let Him in, and He is there now, speaking to us in our thoughts, prompting us as our conscience, the comforting warmth in our hearts. From here the journey starts... =)
And if it still seems so hard to believe, to know that He is there, that we aren't just deluding ourselves, remember Jeremiah 29:13-14.
"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord. "I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, " declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."
Are we seeking God with all our heart? When we do so, He assures us that we will find Him, and not only that, He will draw us close to Him, and give us a hope and a future. And does this future mean giving up everything we have now? Yes, the Lord takes away, but remember the words of the song, "He gives and takes away"? When we give it up to Him, we're acknowledging that it all belongs to the Lord, we're laying it before His feet, not throwing it behind us and then coming to Him. And really taking up the cross, isn't in giving up the material things of life, although yes it can translate into that, but rather it's a change from within, the way we look at the things, the way we look at people, no longer as just strangers on the street, but real hurting, laughing, loving individuals whom the Lord knows one by one and whom He came down to earth in human form to die for on the cross. When we realize this, being so-called 'holy and righteous' doesn't become an obligation, chore, or restrictive anymore. On the contrary, being christian liberates us to live our lives differently, with dignity, humility, and with purpose, no longer having to be tied to the old ways of life we have become trapped in.
If you are still struggling with such doubt even now, strangely, I will tell you that I am happy for you. I pray that you will be able to find that peace that truly surpasses all understanding, in Christ. I do not believe the Lord will fault us for doubting, the whole christian walk itself is a struggle, literally clinging to God. But He will fault us if we give up trying all together. So if you are struggling now, I tell you, as Caleb has said in the earlier post, take heart! Rejoice! And have faith! Know that you can come to the Lord with all your doubts and fears, and ask Him to strengthen your faith. In fact, the stronger our faith becomes, the more the devil will try to waylay us, with those small seeds of doubts, those little whispers of skepticism. But we know that the one who is in us is stronger than the one who is in the world =)
God bless,
Petrina
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